May update: Life Style Change

It's been a while since I've made a post on here regarding weight loss or health change.

I've moved into my own apartment and with that has come some interesting changes.  I'm down almost twenty pounds, which is huge to me.  And it's not even that I've started exercising more or anything like that.  It's actually that since I live on my own, and money is budgeted hard, I'm more selective about what I eat.  And I only eat when I'm actually hungry.

I've never been much of a snacker.  I don't eat between meals for whatever reason, mostly laziness.  Instead, what I've ended up doing is cutting what I eat almost in half.  I eat a lot of chicken.  I mean, a lot of chicken.  People who like chicken would say I eat a lot of chicken.  I've also taken to eating more veggies or even trying veggies that I didn't like before.  Example, I used to hate broccoli because I thought it smelled like feet.  I mean, why would you ever eat anything that smelled like that?  But I tried it one day, turns out, I like broccoli.  And zucchini.  And spaghetti squash.  I'm trying new veggies all the time, and I'm going for fresh over canned (except with peas as LeSeur peas are the only kind worth eating).

I realize a lot of this is about food.  But I don't feel ashamed to say that I love food.  I just have to remember that there is a line between a good relationship and a bad one.  Like, I don't want to be the Edward Cullen to a box of oreos where I sit and watch them when they don't know it.  That's unhealthy.  It's stalking.  And invasion of the oreos privacy.  Instead, I want a healthy relationship with food.  One in which, yeah, it's cool, we can hang out, but my life isn't going to end if you don't return my text.  I need space from food.  It's not food.  It's me.  Food has been really good to me.  Gotten me through some hard times.  We've laughed together.  We've cried.  We've had moments where we've gone "this smells weird, eh I'll eat it anyway".  But I feel like we spent too much time together and now it's like "ugh, please don't even look at me or I'll eat your face."  So, what I'm saying is, food and I aren't breaking up, but we're on a break in which we seek counseling.  And by counseling, I mean I'm writing so you guys can read about my love of food and I don't have to eat that.

And here is where my will power is having to make decisions for me over my "OH MY GOD THAT LOOKS LIKE IT WOULD TASTE AMAZING!".  Friday night, I went out to eat dinner with my parents, the best uncle in the whole world, my Godfather, Chris, and my brother Brandon.  I did not eat a single roll.  I drank water, and I left half of my food on my plate.  Half of my food being potato, asparagus, and steak.  Yesterday, I made lunch for my mom for Mother's day, shout out to the best mom on the planet.  I made steak (cooked in the oven), baked potatoes, asparagus, and a caprese salad.  I also made a double layered yellow cake with cream cheese icing and strawberry icing flowers.  I ate half a potato, half a steak, and three pieces of asparagus.  I had one piece of cake.  The cake is still in my fridge and I haven't touched it since I put it in there.  Today I had caprese salad and half a piece of steak for lunch.  Last week I even had half a thing of Oreo's left in my apartment from a pie I made, for a church event, and sent the package to my dad.  Probably not a good idea to pass my habit off to my dad.

The important part of that is that I'm using portion control and I'm trying to eat green things.  And I only eat when I'm hungry.  I've done yoga for like a week, and my only issue with it is that I'm uncoordinated.  With that being said, planking is not an easy thing for me.  In fact, I hate it.  I hate yoga.  I hate getting sweaty.  I hate being so out of breath by barely moving.  Deep breathing is what yoga teaches you but I hate it.  I'm a mouth breather by nature.  You can't imagine what it's like to be in a room with me while I'm doing yoga.  It ain't pretty.  In fact, if there was a camera I can't tell you how many people would probably laugh at the sight of me wobbling while I do a warrior 2 pose.  (uncoordinated)  But at least it's some activity.  And yoga is my pace.  It's slow.  You're not rushing through it.  I don't feel like I'm going to die when I'm done.  Instead I feel all stretched out and relieved that I've done something.  You will not find me doing a marathon.  I'm not going to join a gym because the thought of people looking at me and judging me makes me nervous and anxious in ways I can't explain.  But I'm doing what I'm comfortable with.

And the point of this blog is two fold:  accountability and I hope, somewhere, that I can help someone like me.  I want to point this out, again.  I don't like exercising.  HATE IT.  There is nothing you can say to make me like it.  But I'm doing what I'm comfortable with.  I'm being more aware about what I eat.  Before, everything was just being shoveled in without tasting or even thinking about how much I was consuming. It was a free for all.  My body displays that.  And as for helping someone else to know they are not alone, just look around at the world.  Obesity is a huge problem with no easy solution.  It starts with bad habits.  It doesn't help that eating healthier is more expensive than eating bad.  I know the money struggle.  If there is an excuse out there to be used about staying overweight and unhealthy, I can give it to you without much thought.  I know about the mindless eating and staying stationary all day.  I know that there is nothing better than laying on the couch and watching shows that make you feel better about your own life (Maury Povich for one).  I know that it's so much easier to not think about it until someone forces you to.  There is no worse feeling than having a child in your life comment on how big your tummy is.  There's nothing malicious about it.  It's just a fact they've noticed.

I know about the vicious circle of being unhappy so you eat to feel better and then you're unhappy because of how big you are and you got that way because of being unhappy.  Emotion is tied to food.  My emotions have always been tied with food.  I eat for happiness.  When I'm happy I eat.  When I'm sad I eat to feel happy.  All of my good memories are based around food.  I get it.  Also, food is freaking delicious! Especially bad food.  Healthy food can be delicious too.  And you don't have to quit cold turkey.  That would be illogical.  Also, it doesn't work!  If you start denying yourself something, you want it that much more.  I believe in a gradual move.  Do a little bit at a time.  As I said, I will never run a marathon.  But I would do Zumba in my living room by myself.  Make yourself comfortable with your choices.

And remember that it is a choice.  We all make choices and have bad habits.  It just so happens that my bad habit can cause heart disease, diabetes, and a number of other health conditions.  However, I'm hoping that I can live a long, healthy life just by changing my habits.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and feel free to drop a note!

The Problem with Healthy Food - Or How the Cow Killed Itself!

Why is it so easy to put on weight but hard to take it off?  I feel like we should be more upset that all the food that's bad for us tastes so delicious while all the stuff that's good for us tastes like hot garbage.

Kale?  Oh, you mean dirt lettuce?  Tell me again how dirt lettuce is good for me.  It may be good, but there's not enough of anything to put on Kale to not make it taste like dirt.  Maybe what we should do is feed Kale to cows, we eat the cows, and by proxy we ate Kale.  Maybe the real problem is we aren't feeding our food the right kind of food.

"Here's a delicious steak that ate nothing but Kale for the last two months of its life."
"And it was ethically killed for our consumption?"
"Actually, it committed suicide!"

So, what I'm saying is, there needs to be a way to make food that's good for you not taste like dirt.  It can't be that hard!  If McDonalds can make chicken nuggets (which are delicious) out of stuff that's not even real chicken, then how hard is it to make healthy food not taste like crap?

And there is the dilemma:  I don't eat something because of what "health" effect it has on me.  I eat something based off of how it tastes.  I'm sure almost everyone does that.  And if food smells like feet before I even eat it, safe money is I won't be eating it.

So, all I'm saying to the food industry is find some healthy crap that doesn't smell like feet or farts and I'm in! 

Ashley Graham and Cheryl Tiegs

When I saw this story, it took me a moment to remember who Cheryl Tiegs was.  That's not meant as an insult.  Once I saw her face, I remembered her.  She's a svelte blond who had a pretty face and a rail thin body.  She wasn't of the "heroine" models of the Kate Moss generation.  She was a Sports Illustrated Swim Suit model in the 70s or 80s I believe.  I know it wasn't the 90s.

She said the following about Ashley Graham, the first plus-size model to appear on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue:

"I don't like that we're talking about full-figured women because it's glamorizing them because your waist should be smaller than 35 [inches]. That's what Dr. Oz said, and I'm sticking to it," she explained. "No, I don't think it's healthy. Her face is beautiful. Beautiful. But I don't think it's healthy in the long run." Link to article here.  

First off, let me say that I don't think she meant to say anything to maliciously hurt someone's feelings.  The truth is, when was the last time you heard of Cheryl Tiegs?  And I think with the fact that Ashley is getting all this publicity for being plus size and being on the cover of Sports Illustrated is great.  She's gorgeous.  All of her.  Not just her face.

And I suppose that's where the issue comes in.  It's something that all "plus size" girls have heard at one time or another.  "You have such a pretty face."  "Your face is beautiful."  Which, while it's meant as a compliment, I think, it's also sort of like there is a part of the sentence that's missing.  "You have such a pretty face...for a fat girl."  "Your face is beautiful...it's the rest of you that's ugly."

Now, I'm not saying she meant it that way at all.  But that's how I read it.  "Her face is beautiful." Dr. Phil always says that the most important word he finds in a statement is the word "but".  It basically means disregard everything I just said, cause here's what I really think.

Again, I don't think Cheryl meant to hurt anyone.  I think she spoke her mind and didn't think of the ramifications of what she was saying.  This all goes back to that  Nicole Arbour stuff where she said that "Fat Shaming" wasn't a real thing.  Unfortunately, it is.  You can be shamed about anything.  If you think that Fat Shaming isn't real, do you also think Slut shaming isn't real?  Do you think that religious shaming isn't real?  Shame is a feeling.  It occurs whether or not someone meant that as the intention.  

Just listen...living with depression

As a person who suffers from depression (and I'm going through a pretty bad little run of it at the moment), I can tell you that there are things you can do to not make the situation worse.  You can't really do anything to make it better, understand that, first of all.  You can't make me better.  Not with words of encouragement.  Not with a pep talk.  You are powerless to make me feel better.  It all comes from a wonderful, kind place where you as the individual on the outside see me unhappy/upset and you want to do what you can to make it better.  Sometimes, it's ok to just let me feel that way without saying anything.  If I open up to you, you don't have to give me advice or anything like that.  If I open up to you, I just need you to listen. 

The first thing I don't need you to do is tell me that everything will be ok.  Logically, I know that "this, too, shall pass".  I get it.  I understand that.  Life is fluid and our situations are ever evolving and changing.  But emotionally, it's not something I can handle.  Because while it might be said in a soothing context, it's basically telling me that I'm stressed out over nothing.  I'm worried over nothing.  I'm upset over nothing.  That makes me feel worse, because now my feelings are abnormal.  No one wants to feel abnormal.  In fact, all I want when I feel this way is to feel normal. 

Don't instruct me that I should move around and be with people.  I said already that you can't make me feel better.  Being around loads of people, that I perceive are all judging me, won't make it better.  It doesn't make me feel better.  It makes me feel worse, in fact.  Because then I see everyone around me having a great time, laughing, smiling, enjoying being with others.  And yet, here I stand, in the corner, watching all of this and again feeling abnormal.  It's a horrible feeling to be in a room full of people and still feel utterly alone. 

At this point, the only thing that sounds appealing is curling up in my bed, shutting my door, and blocking out the world.  It's not logical.  Again, I get that.  I understand that blocking the world out can only deepen this and eventually make it worse.  I want to be alone.  I don't want to feel alone.  I just...I want you to let me be by myself and not judge me for it.  I'm not even sure that last part made sense. 

And that's the crux of it all.  I feel how I feel.  You can't change it.  You can tell me that I can change it, but do you understand that I feel lost?  That I don't know if it can ever be changed?  Do you realize that every second of every day I feel hopeless because how could it possibly get better?  That's not for you to change.  That's something that has to come from inside. 

I feel like there is such a misconception about depression.  It's not just a feeling of sadness.  It's a feeling of loss, anxiety, sadness, hopelessness.  There is no bright light.  There is no way around this.  That's not reality, but it's how you feel.  I can't change it.  I would if I could.

With all that being said, I would like to say that I'm ok.  I'm not suicidal.  I feel that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. 

But if you see me around, don't tell me to smile.  I don't feel like smiling.  Don't tell me to treasure what God has given me.  I do, every day.  I know how lucky I am to live where I do, have what I have, and have all the people in my life who love me.  Don't tell me that things will get better.  You don't actually know that.  Things can always get worse.  I don't know if that's the Tombrello in me or what, but I know that as bad as things are, they can go to Hell faster than you can say bubble.  And I know that they can get better.  I do.  I'm not stupid.  Logically, I know all of this stuff.  It's the emotional part of me that's having a hard time grasping all of this.  And finally, don't tell me that everything will be ok.  Eventually, that's probably true.  But understand that every time this is said to me, it makes me feel worse.  It makes me feel like I'm fighting a losing battle because while you can see that it will be ok, I don't.  Or, at the moment, I can't. 

And I know that this, too, shall pass.  I know that through God, I can get through anything.    I feel his presence in my life all the time.  Sometimes, when I least expect it, I feel this overwhelming sense of calm and I know that it's because of his grace.  It's nothing I've done or am doing.  It's him.  I have faith in that.  I believe that.  And it's my belief and faith that keep me pushing on.  He is my way.

So, through all of this, I want to hammer something home.  Don't ask me how I'm doing.  It's done with good intentions.  I know that.  I know that the people in my life are wonderful and beautiful people.  I have no doubt.  But if I want to talk to you about it, I will.  If I open up to you, then it means I'm comfortable with you.  If I tell you how I feel, I don't need you to tell me how I shouldn't feel that way. 

Just...listen. 

It's a long hard road

I never thought this would be easy, not by any stretch of the imagination.  In fact, I was/am pretty certain that this will be the hardest thing I ever attempt to do.  Losing weight isn't really what I'm after, although, it would be a huge perk to be able to shop in normal people stores and not have to special order my bras.  What I'm after is a start into health. 

With all that in mind, sometimes it is so hard to keep that thought in mind.  Especially when I'm feeling overall crappy and about as discouraged as I can feel.  No, not about this stuff, it's about other stuff.  However, I will say that making this life change is really hard.  It's no joke.  It's no wonder that people attempt this and fail all the time.  I suppose the important part is that I'm truly trying. 

I've lost a little over fifteen pounds.  I had hit twenty, but then the food festival came this last week, Alabama lost, and just craptacular crap happened and, as I've said before, I eat to feel happy.  I was super happy Friday night, happy again Saturday night (then not so happy later), and then regretting everything on Sunday.  However, I'm still in the plus column of pounds lost. 

I think somewhere along the way I lost my motivation.  I don't feel like doing anything.  I don't feel like going anywhere.  I just want to stay home, curled up in my bed, and have the world just leave me alone.  But that's not an option.  Every day is a new chance to succeed.  And I will succeed.  As Gabi says "I got this!"

Here's to a new week and another day.  I'm so lucky in that I have so many people behind me, supporting me.  I'm so lucky in that my family is doing this and succeeding, too.  It's nice not to feel alone in it.  Sometimes, I just feels like I'm totally alone and I hate that.  And then, tonight, I saw my dad eat a salad for dinner when I know he would have rather had anything else.  It made me proud. 

So, this is just me, whining because it's haaard.  I know it's hard, but sometimes, I just want it to be easy.  Like, TADA, you now look like Mila Kunis.  And I would be like, "THANK YOU GOD!".  But we can't all be Mila Kunis.  I just want to stop looking as if I have ingested Mila Kunis.

So, yeah, my whine is over.  thanks for listening!

I could easily get offended...

The video in question:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXFgNhyP4-A

I know a lot of you saw the above video made by Nicole Arbour, as did I, and I have to admit that while I was watching it, I had probably the same reaction a lot of people did.  "I could easily get offended".  And I was a few times.  Mostly about how "Fat Shaming" isn't real.  Oh girl, I can't tell you how wrong you are.  I'm ashamed of my body all the time (and I'm working to fix it, but that's not the point.)  Let's talk about shame. 

Shame
noun
1.the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another:
2. susceptibility to this feeling: to be without shame.
3. disgrace; ignominy:
4. a factor circumstance bringing disgrace or regret:

verb
shamed,
5. to cause to feel shame; make ashamed:
6. to drive, force, etc., through shame:
7. to cover with ignominy or reproach; disgrace.
 

The part of this that I find the most important is the second word in the first definition:  painful.  My size is a painful reminder of the bad choices I've made.  I have no one to blame for this by myself.  In my childhood, yeah, maybe eating Hamburger Helper (which I loathe entirely now) wasn't the most healthy of things that my parents could have fed us.  But they had four kids, a tight budget, and we never went hungry, although they did a few times.  In college, it was a free for all.  I was able to eat three meals a day and never made good choices.  Of course, anyone that ate in the Montevallo 'caf' can verify that the food was not always...edible.  At least, it seemed that way.  But at that time, I didn't balloon out as big as I could have.  Montevallo was a walking campus and you simply had to walk everywhere.  Especially once I moved into Brooke and had to walk "The Hill Of Death" beside Tutwiller.  Anyone who lived in Brooke, knows what hill I'm talking about.  So, I was able to maintain.  It wasn't until I was done with college and basically became a sedentary worker in an office.  And there is always food here.  Always.  Sandwiches, cakes, left overs from people's parties.  It's a nightmare if you're trying to control what you eat. 

But now, I look in the mirror, and it's painful.  It's painful to see how I allowed this to take such control of my life.  And she's right in one respect:  I make/made bad choices.  I didn't exercise.  I didn't eat right.  In fact, while I was eating, I was always thinking of the next thing I was going to eat.  I didn't eat my sadness.  I ate when I was happy.  All of my wonderful childhood memories are centered around food (just not Hamburger Helper).  Baptisms?  FOOD!  Weddings?  FOOD!  Fourth of July?  FOOD!  Birthdays?  FOOD!  Summers with Siti?  Filled with ice cream sandwiches, ham and cheese sandwiches, cereal, spam, eggs, and grits, gummy bears, tootsie rolls!  Food everywhere.  High school memories?  FOOD!  O'Charley's with John, Jennifer, Gina, Kristan and Allen!  Prom?  Logans with a group of people.  I remember the food and it makes me happy. 

It took thirty plus years for me to realize that I ate to feel happy, to get that euphoria back.  I could eat and instantly feel all that stuff again.  And not just eat, but eat to a place of pass full.  It seems so counter productive, doesn't it?  I know that.  I see it. 

 

But now, I'm at a place where being my size is painful:  physically, emotionally, and psychologically.  Physically, my back hurts constantly, my knees crack as I walk, and my ankles are always sore.  Emotionally, I was eating to fill a hole in my life.  It's not one that was put there by anyone or anything.  It was something I was striving to fill with food.  As I said, my happiness was surrounded in food.  I'm working to change that.  And psychologically, I'm my harshest critic.  I know you look at me and think that I simply don't care what my body looks like, but that would make the most wrong person on the planet.  I care more than I think you do if you're healthy.  I worry about it.  I worry about when I go to a concert and sit in my seat and basically have to force myself into the seat and my fat arms are on someone else.  I worry about it when I'm at the pool in my bathing suit.  I worry about it when I'm in my pajamas.  I worry about it if I wear the color yellow because I suspect people think I resemble a school bus.  I'm fixated on my size in a way that others can't understand. 

So, to address Nicole personally, not that she will ever see it:

When you put it out there so hard and so furious like it was in your video "Dear Fat People", well, that just makes me want to rebel against you.  It doesn't make me want to change.  It makes me want to sit next to you on an airplane, my fat hanging over into your seat and eat a Big Mac while giving you the finger.  It makes me want to offend you.  Because you've already proven that my size does offend you.  You claim it's for the betterment of me that you said all of those things.  I actually think that it's a fear of me that caused you to say it.  People perpetrate hate speech and actions out of fear and ignorance all the time.  Racism and sexism being two shining examples of ignorance and fear.  You fear what you don't understand.  All you see is people you believe to be making bad choices.  And a lot are making bad choices.  But there are some people out there that aren't.  They're trying.  Every day is a struggle. 

 

You tried to exclude those that have medical conditions. 

 

How kind of you. 

 

So, you're not offended by a person with a thyroid problem sitting next to you on a plane and their fat is spilling over to your lap?  That doesn't offend you?  I'm sure you didn't even ask the guy that you claimed you were pushing his fat back onto him, and shaming him for it at the same time, as to whether or not he had a medical condition.  You assumed, because the people he was traveling with were all large too, that they were just a family of poor decision makers. 

 

Would it have really made a difference to you at that point? 

 

Would you care if they had a family history of thyroid problems?  Or any other disease that makes you gain weight? 

 

What if that guy was battling with depression and anxiety and was on the verge of suicide?  Would you care that your offensive pushing of his fat might have made him go home and commit bodily harm to himself? 

 

No.  Because as you said, you're selfish. 

 

But not in the way you proclaimed.  You're selfish in that you only thought of how those actions affected you.  If you had done to me what you did to that guy on the plane, I would have cried.  I would have cried so hard that everyone in the plane would be asking what's wrong and I would have to explain how you did that to me, only increasing my embarrassment at the situation and then the public opinion of you would have shifted.  You would then be reviled for what you did because you made someone feel so out of place, so hated, that the shame would then be turned to you.  It's not a good feeling when you're shamed. 

 

I've been following this story since it broke, really.  You disallowed comments on your video because "you didn't care what others had to say".  But, I think maybe you did and do.  Everyone is subject to what others think.  You claim you don't care, then why disallow it?  Because you caught flack for being a hate monger?  I know there are people that agree with you.  In some ways, I agreed with some things you said.  I need to make better choices.  But I feel like you made a pretty bad one and then you tried to hide it with disallowing comments, then your channel was pulled and you claimed it was done in jest.  So, that's supposed to make it not hurt?  That's supposed to make what you say ok?  You were doing comedy?  I didn't find it funny.  I know a lot of people that didn't find it funny.  I see you as a woman who only knows her lot in life.  You haven't experienced the other side of things, and for that, I'm sad for you.  If you don't know what you did was in bad taste, then maybe you don't even know what shame feels like.  In that case, you can't say fat shaming isn't a real thing.  You don't know shame.  Again, your ignorance shines through. 

 

So, here's the gist, I suppose.  I could easily get offended.  I was for like half a second.  I sat staring at my computer screen and was like "Did I really just hear what I thought I heard?"  But then, I watched it again.  I feel like you really might have been trying to help, but what you said doesn't.  It's not the content, it's the delivery.  All you did was criticize.  You tried to offer helpful solutions.  Eat less exercise more.  Duh.  We know that.  But like you said, we make bad decisions some times.  I feel like you made a bad one by making and posting that video.  Instead of keeping your hate to yourself, you shared it with the free world and you felt the backlash.  And when you started getting criticized you took away the comments section, and then Youtube took away your video.  You claimed it was censorship.  I think was a violation of Youtube's terms and conditions, myself. 

 

And so we have to go back to the intent.  I think on some level, you were trying to help.  I think on another level, you were trying to be funny.  And I think on the most basic level, you were talking about things in which you fear or have no knowledge about.  I feel bad for you.  I know what it's like to feel like the world is against you.  I feel it every day.  But the truth is, those people who really didn't like what you had to say, probably, also, support you in that you had the right to say it.  I don't like what you said.  I don't.  And I could jump on a bandwagon and support people wanting your head.  But what purpose does that serve?  Who does that help?  I wish I had the ability to make you walk in my shoes.  I wish I had the ability to walk in yours.  Hell, I wish we had the same shoe size cause I'm sure you've got some awesome ones! But the truth is you're really speaking about something to which you have no real knowledge.  If you've never struggled with being overweight, or obsese, then you don't know how much of a trial it is.  You don't know what it's like to feel that you're living in a world that would never accept you.  You don't know what it's like to feel alone because of how you look.  You're a beautiful, blond woman and you felt you could make some snap decisions and comments and people would cheer for you because you were so brave to have said those things.  Instead, what you got was a serious backlash of people of all sizes telling you that no matter the intent, the delivery was the problem.

 

In closing, I hope they reinstate your video.  The reason is I think it starts a discussion.  We can't influence change on a subject unless there is talk about it.  So, you've probably actually done a great service to the larger community.  Because you publically shamed all of us, and then proclaimed that "Fat Shaming isn't a thing", you've opened the door to discussion about what is acceptable and isn't when it comes to this issue.  So, thanks for that.  But really, I wish you nothing but the best.  I want good things for you.  I want you to find happiness and understanding and love and compassion in your life.  I want you to find all of the things that I want for my life.

 

As for Whitney Thore's video response, man I aspire to be as brave as she is.  Her journey is wonderful to watch and I find myself relating to her so much.  You want more, you want better, it's just a matter of getting there.  Thank you.

Weightloss Journey - Entry 1 - Do or do not. There is no try.

I'm going to make a post about what I think is relevant to what's happening in my life.  I'm going to come out and say that I'm terrified of change.  Almost a debilitating fear.  I don't let people very close because I'm afraid of their inevitable (in my head anyway) rejection of me.  I can't put this all on other people, though.  This is a lot of me.  I feel this way about myself.  I feel like if I can't accept who I am, who could ever really love me for me?  It's a problem, and one in which I've been working on.

However, I have decided to try and get rid of one of my excuses for keeping people away:  my size.  I don't remember a time when I was, I don't want to use the word thin or skinny because I don't feel like that's what I want to achieve.  I want to be healthy.  And so, skinny and thin, I feel, could sometimes have negative connotations, just like the word fat.  Whether or not other people view those words as bad, the person who is receiving the words might consider it a huge insult.  But I digress.  I don't remember a time where I was...like other girls my age.  I really don't.  Now, my parents have pictures of me when I was younger that portray me as one of those girls.  I don't remember this as it was so long ago. 

I remember being in kindergarten and someone calling me fat for the first time.  I remember the kid's name.  In fact, when someone cuts you so deeply, you tend to have memories like that.  In elementary school, I was called fat and chubby and all that stuff.  As I got older, I started insulting back while simultaneously developing a thicker skin (literally and figuratively).  My mom used to tell me all the time that people were mean and that sometimes, you just had to learn how to get over it.

I'm not at the 'get over it' point in my life.  I'm still pissed at that little ass for calling me fat when I was five.

I had several close friends throughout school.  In high school, though, I found people that I really loved being around.  That group I could name off on one hand.  And if they don't know who they are, I'll call them out here:  John, Jennifer, Gina and Kristan.  They are the reason I survived high school.  Gina, God Bless Her Soul and Memory Eternal, was totally accepting and kind and everything you would wish for in a friend.  You could see the caring nature of her soul in the way she took care of her mother.  John and Jennifer were two people who made me feel accepted!  Even if it was just the three of us they never made me feel like the third wheel.  I had some of the best times hanging out with them.  And for the record, John, I think my movie picking abilities should be reinstated considering Galaxy Quest ended up being a huge cult classic and we didn't realize how amazing it was at the time.  And then there's Kristan.  When something went wrong or anything like that, Kristan was always there.  She really was my best friend.  I felt like I could be the silly, goofy me when I was around her and there was no judgement.  I only hope that the four of them felt like I contributed as much to their lives as they have to mine.

The point of all of that was that I did suffer in high school.  I was picked on.  But hell, everyone was picked on about something.  Mine happened to be my weight (the fact that I talked alot I'll leave out cause I don't think there's a force strong enough in the universe to make that stop happening).  But I could go to the four of them, tell them what happened, and feel like I was with a group of people who loved and accepted me as I loved and accepted them.  I remember on my birthday that we had the party at the pool in Fultondale and all my friends showed up and I even have a picture of John, Gina, and Kristan in the water.  I refused to get in because I didn't want them to see me in a bathing suit.   And looking back on it now, that was a completely ridiculous thing to do!  They were my friends.  They didn't care what I looked like.  But I did.  It was me.  My own shame. 

And that's what this all feels like.  Every fat roll or stretch mark is like a notch of shame.  And whether someone caused me to feel this way or I put it off on myself, that's what I feel when I look in the mirror.  People can tell me something different all they like, but it's what I feel.  I can't change that over night.  And I'm not trying to.  It took me almost 33 years to get this way.  I can't make it go away with the blink of an eye.  It's going to take self control.  It's going to take drive.  And it's going to take my own want to.  And I want to.  I want it so much.  I want, by my next birthday, to have dropped a full hundred pounds.  I'm not doing a crazy fad diet.  I'm not jumping on a band wagon of cures that never seem to work.  I'm controlling my intake and making sure that I exercise.

Let me throw this out there, too.  I am never going to like exercising.  I know that about me.  I don't like to sweat.  I don't.  I hate it.  But I'm going to do it.  I'm going to make myself do it because I want to live and feel better.  I'm going to do it because I want to sit in a chair at a concert and not have the arms dig into my hips so much that I can't jump up and cheer when a song I like comes on.  I'm going to do it because I feel like my entire life I have limited myself to not doing things because I don't think I'm fit enough.  I need to be healthy.  Health will come along with this ride. 

And it's like my brother, Brandon, said to me tonight.  "Just try to remind yourself when it gets tough, mind over matter.  Your body is capable of doing things your mind doesn't want it to do, you just need to focus and remind yourself that you are in control."  After 32 year, I realize I am in control.  I dictate what I put in my body and how much I move it.  I am holding myself accountable.  I am going to be the change I want.  I'm going to show everyone that habits, deeply ingrained habits, can be changed if you just do it.  As the great Jedi Master Yoda so eloquently said, "Do or do not.  There is no try."

So, now that you have the background and I emptied out my emotional box of crap and made all of you my Dr. Phil, I would like to tell you what I'm doing and what's happened so far.  I'm eating considerably less than I did a month ago.  I'm leaving food on my plate, which I never do.  I mean, ever.  My brother Brad ate lunch with me the other day and was surprised that I left a pretty good portion in there, too.  And it was a salad.  I've been controlling/watching that with the MyFitnessPal app. 

I'm also involved with some wonderful ladies at work in a steps challenge.  I haven't hit the goal one time, but, it is making me get up and move around.  I'm walking more now than I ever did before.  I also went twenty minutes on the treadmill today after work.  That's unheard of for me.  And I don't mind the treadmill.  With enough good music on my phone I can walk for a while.  But I'm not over doing it.  Will I ever be someone who runs on the treadmill?  Probably not (too clutzy...I'd kill myself I just know it).  But I can walk and I can do that every day.  It's not a marathon pace or distance, but it's more than I have done in the past.  Each day, though, I feel like doing more and more.

And last, I'm involved in Thrive.  I guess it's been a month, now, since I posted about my weight being my shield.  I got a text from my beautiful cousin Jessica Ritchey Keeton about what I posted.  She wanted to help me.  She told me about this Thrive stuff and wanted to talk to me about it more later.  She called and I chatted with her and someone else about it.  And when it was over, I was like, "What the hell?  It's only $150" (of which I had at the time) and so I signed up.  Jessica kept telling me that it might be a few weeks before I noticed a change.  Let me tell you all.  I was incredibly skeptical.  Not skeptical.  I was "Well, that's $150 bucks I can't get back."  I never thought in a million years that this had any chance of working.  There was no way.  At least in my mind.

However, with Jessica's encouragement, I gave it a shot and felt the effects the first day.  And it was my energy level.  Usually around 2, I had to have a Dr. Pepper to keep me awake.  I had to.  I would hurt someone because I crashed so hard from lunch.  Now, I don't drink soft drinks.  I think I've had 1 in a month and that was after a hella stressing day that I just wanted something super sugary.  I'm more focused, I'm less hungry, and I genuinely and generally feel better.  I used to wake up with aches and pains, but I don't anymore.  I feel better than I've ever felt!  I wish I could really put it into words.  And I can't say it's a placebo and I'm just falling in with the crowd.  I truly had no faith that this would work.  I just thought the $150 would be something I just lost.  That's it.  Over.  If I couldn't set it on fire in front of me I shouldn't have spent it.  But I gave it a sincere shot and the first day was amazing.  I feel so much better, in general. 

And no, this is not me trying to sell you thrive.  This is me sharing my journey with everyone.  I will check back in every now and then and let you know about my progress.  If you've stuck around to read this up until this point, kudos, cause I know I rambled on a bit.  But thank you for your love and support and I hope I can live up to the hype!