I'm going to make a post about what I think is relevant to what's happening in my life. I'm going to come out and say that I'm terrified of change. Almost a debilitating fear. I don't let people very close because I'm afraid of their inevitable (in my head anyway) rejection of me. I can't put this all on other people, though. This is a lot of me. I feel this way about myself. I feel like if I can't accept who I am, who could ever really love me for me? It's a problem, and one in which I've been working on.
However, I have decided to try and get rid of one of my excuses for keeping people away: my size. I don't remember a time when I was, I don't want to use the word thin or skinny because I don't feel like that's what I want to achieve. I want to be healthy. And so, skinny and thin, I feel, could sometimes have negative connotations, just like the word fat. Whether or not other people view those words as bad, the person who is receiving the words might consider it a huge insult. But I digress. I don't remember a time where I was...like other girls my age. I really don't. Now, my parents have pictures of me when I was younger that portray me as one of those girls. I don't remember this as it was so long ago.
I remember being in kindergarten and someone calling me fat for the first time. I remember the kid's name. In fact, when someone cuts you so deeply, you tend to have memories like that. In elementary school, I was called fat and chubby and all that stuff. As I got older, I started insulting back while simultaneously developing a thicker skin (literally and figuratively). My mom used to tell me all the time that people were mean and that sometimes, you just had to learn how to get over it.
I'm not at the 'get over it' point in my life. I'm still pissed at that little ass for calling me fat when I was five.
I had several close friends throughout school. In high school, though, I found people that I really loved being around. That group I could name off on one hand. And if they don't know who they are, I'll call them out here: John, Jennifer, Gina and Kristan. They are the reason I survived high school. Gina, God Bless Her Soul and Memory Eternal, was totally accepting and kind and everything you would wish for in a friend. You could see the caring nature of her soul in the way she took care of her mother. John and Jennifer were two people who made me feel accepted! Even if it was just the three of us they never made me feel like the third wheel. I had some of the best times hanging out with them. And for the record, John, I think my movie picking abilities should be reinstated considering Galaxy Quest ended up being a huge cult classic and we didn't realize how amazing it was at the time. And then there's Kristan. When something went wrong or anything like that, Kristan was always there. She really was my best friend. I felt like I could be the silly, goofy me when I was around her and there was no judgement. I only hope that the four of them felt like I contributed as much to their lives as they have to mine.
The point of all of that was that I did suffer in high school. I was picked on. But hell, everyone was picked on about something. Mine happened to be my weight (the fact that I talked alot I'll leave out cause I don't think there's a force strong enough in the universe to make that stop happening). But I could go to the four of them, tell them what happened, and feel like I was with a group of people who loved and accepted me as I loved and accepted them. I remember on my birthday that we had the party at the pool in Fultondale and all my friends showed up and I even have a picture of John, Gina, and Kristan in the water. I refused to get in because I didn't want them to see me in a bathing suit. And looking back on it now, that was a completely ridiculous thing to do! They were my friends. They didn't care what I looked like. But I did. It was me. My own shame.
And that's what this all feels like. Every fat roll or stretch mark is like a notch of shame. And whether someone caused me to feel this way or I put it off on myself, that's what I feel when I look in the mirror. People can tell me something different all they like, but it's what I feel. I can't change that over night. And I'm not trying to. It took me almost 33 years to get this way. I can't make it go away with the blink of an eye. It's going to take self control. It's going to take drive. And it's going to take my own want to. And I want to. I want it so much. I want, by my next birthday, to have dropped a full hundred pounds. I'm not doing a crazy fad diet. I'm not jumping on a band wagon of cures that never seem to work. I'm controlling my intake and making sure that I exercise.
Let me throw this out there, too. I am never going to like exercising. I know that about me. I don't like to sweat. I don't. I hate it. But I'm going to do it. I'm going to make myself do it because I want to live and feel better. I'm going to do it because I want to sit in a chair at a concert and not have the arms dig into my hips so much that I can't jump up and cheer when a song I like comes on. I'm going to do it because I feel like my entire life I have limited myself to not doing things because I don't think I'm fit enough. I need to be healthy. Health will come along with this ride.
And it's like my brother, Brandon, said to me tonight. "Just try to remind yourself when it gets tough, mind over matter. Your body is capable of doing things your mind doesn't want it to do, you just need to focus and remind yourself that you are in control." After 32 year, I realize I am in control. I dictate what I put in my body and how much I move it. I am holding myself accountable. I am going to be the change I want. I'm going to show everyone that habits, deeply ingrained habits, can be changed if you just do it. As the great Jedi Master Yoda so eloquently said, "Do or do not. There is no try."
So, now that you have the background and I emptied out my emotional box of crap and made all of you my Dr. Phil, I would like to tell you what I'm doing and what's happened so far. I'm eating considerably less than I did a month ago. I'm leaving food on my plate, which I never do. I mean, ever. My brother Brad ate lunch with me the other day and was surprised that I left a pretty good portion in there, too. And it was a salad. I've been controlling/watching that with the MyFitnessPal app.
I'm also involved with some wonderful ladies at work in a steps challenge. I haven't hit the goal one time, but, it is making me get up and move around. I'm walking more now than I ever did before. I also went twenty minutes on the treadmill today after work. That's unheard of for me. And I don't mind the treadmill. With enough good music on my phone I can walk for a while. But I'm not over doing it. Will I ever be someone who runs on the treadmill? Probably not (too clutzy...I'd kill myself I just know it). But I can walk and I can do that every day. It's not a marathon pace or distance, but it's more than I have done in the past. Each day, though, I feel like doing more and more.
And last, I'm involved in Thrive. I guess it's been a month, now, since I posted about my weight being my shield. I got a text from my beautiful cousin Jessica Ritchey Keeton about what I posted. She wanted to help me. She told me about this Thrive stuff and wanted to talk to me about it more later. She called and I chatted with her and someone else about it. And when it was over, I was like, "What the hell? It's only $150" (of which I had at the time) and so I signed up. Jessica kept telling me that it might be a few weeks before I noticed a change. Let me tell you all. I was incredibly skeptical. Not skeptical. I was "Well, that's $150 bucks I can't get back." I never thought in a million years that this had any chance of working. There was no way. At least in my mind.
However, with Jessica's encouragement, I gave it a shot and felt the effects the first day. And it was my energy level. Usually around 2, I had to have a Dr. Pepper to keep me awake. I had to. I would hurt someone because I crashed so hard from lunch. Now, I don't drink soft drinks. I think I've had 1 in a month and that was after a hella stressing day that I just wanted something super sugary. I'm more focused, I'm less hungry, and I genuinely and generally feel better. I used to wake up with aches and pains, but I don't anymore. I feel better than I've ever felt! I wish I could really put it into words. And I can't say it's a placebo and I'm just falling in with the crowd. I truly had no faith that this would work. I just thought the $150 would be something I just lost. That's it. Over. If I couldn't set it on fire in front of me I shouldn't have spent it. But I gave it a sincere shot and the first day was amazing. I feel so much better, in general.
And no, this is not me trying to sell you thrive. This is me sharing my journey with everyone. I will check back in every now and then and let you know about my progress. If you've stuck around to read this up until this point, kudos, cause I know I rambled on a bit. But thank you for your love and support and I hope I can live up to the hype!
However, I have decided to try and get rid of one of my excuses for keeping people away: my size. I don't remember a time when I was, I don't want to use the word thin or skinny because I don't feel like that's what I want to achieve. I want to be healthy. And so, skinny and thin, I feel, could sometimes have negative connotations, just like the word fat. Whether or not other people view those words as bad, the person who is receiving the words might consider it a huge insult. But I digress. I don't remember a time where I was...like other girls my age. I really don't. Now, my parents have pictures of me when I was younger that portray me as one of those girls. I don't remember this as it was so long ago.
I remember being in kindergarten and someone calling me fat for the first time. I remember the kid's name. In fact, when someone cuts you so deeply, you tend to have memories like that. In elementary school, I was called fat and chubby and all that stuff. As I got older, I started insulting back while simultaneously developing a thicker skin (literally and figuratively). My mom used to tell me all the time that people were mean and that sometimes, you just had to learn how to get over it.
I'm not at the 'get over it' point in my life. I'm still pissed at that little ass for calling me fat when I was five.
I had several close friends throughout school. In high school, though, I found people that I really loved being around. That group I could name off on one hand. And if they don't know who they are, I'll call them out here: John, Jennifer, Gina and Kristan. They are the reason I survived high school. Gina, God Bless Her Soul and Memory Eternal, was totally accepting and kind and everything you would wish for in a friend. You could see the caring nature of her soul in the way she took care of her mother. John and Jennifer were two people who made me feel accepted! Even if it was just the three of us they never made me feel like the third wheel. I had some of the best times hanging out with them. And for the record, John, I think my movie picking abilities should be reinstated considering Galaxy Quest ended up being a huge cult classic and we didn't realize how amazing it was at the time. And then there's Kristan. When something went wrong or anything like that, Kristan was always there. She really was my best friend. I felt like I could be the silly, goofy me when I was around her and there was no judgement. I only hope that the four of them felt like I contributed as much to their lives as they have to mine.
The point of all of that was that I did suffer in high school. I was picked on. But hell, everyone was picked on about something. Mine happened to be my weight (the fact that I talked alot I'll leave out cause I don't think there's a force strong enough in the universe to make that stop happening). But I could go to the four of them, tell them what happened, and feel like I was with a group of people who loved and accepted me as I loved and accepted them. I remember on my birthday that we had the party at the pool in Fultondale and all my friends showed up and I even have a picture of John, Gina, and Kristan in the water. I refused to get in because I didn't want them to see me in a bathing suit. And looking back on it now, that was a completely ridiculous thing to do! They were my friends. They didn't care what I looked like. But I did. It was me. My own shame.
And that's what this all feels like. Every fat roll or stretch mark is like a notch of shame. And whether someone caused me to feel this way or I put it off on myself, that's what I feel when I look in the mirror. People can tell me something different all they like, but it's what I feel. I can't change that over night. And I'm not trying to. It took me almost 33 years to get this way. I can't make it go away with the blink of an eye. It's going to take self control. It's going to take drive. And it's going to take my own want to. And I want to. I want it so much. I want, by my next birthday, to have dropped a full hundred pounds. I'm not doing a crazy fad diet. I'm not jumping on a band wagon of cures that never seem to work. I'm controlling my intake and making sure that I exercise.
Let me throw this out there, too. I am never going to like exercising. I know that about me. I don't like to sweat. I don't. I hate it. But I'm going to do it. I'm going to make myself do it because I want to live and feel better. I'm going to do it because I want to sit in a chair at a concert and not have the arms dig into my hips so much that I can't jump up and cheer when a song I like comes on. I'm going to do it because I feel like my entire life I have limited myself to not doing things because I don't think I'm fit enough. I need to be healthy. Health will come along with this ride.
And it's like my brother, Brandon, said to me tonight. "Just try to remind yourself when it gets tough, mind over matter. Your body is capable of doing things your mind doesn't want it to do, you just need to focus and remind yourself that you are in control." After 32 year, I realize I am in control. I dictate what I put in my body and how much I move it. I am holding myself accountable. I am going to be the change I want. I'm going to show everyone that habits, deeply ingrained habits, can be changed if you just do it. As the great Jedi Master Yoda so eloquently said, "Do or do not. There is no try."
So, now that you have the background and I emptied out my emotional box of crap and made all of you my Dr. Phil, I would like to tell you what I'm doing and what's happened so far. I'm eating considerably less than I did a month ago. I'm leaving food on my plate, which I never do. I mean, ever. My brother Brad ate lunch with me the other day and was surprised that I left a pretty good portion in there, too. And it was a salad. I've been controlling/watching that with the MyFitnessPal app.
I'm also involved with some wonderful ladies at work in a steps challenge. I haven't hit the goal one time, but, it is making me get up and move around. I'm walking more now than I ever did before. I also went twenty minutes on the treadmill today after work. That's unheard of for me. And I don't mind the treadmill. With enough good music on my phone I can walk for a while. But I'm not over doing it. Will I ever be someone who runs on the treadmill? Probably not (too clutzy...I'd kill myself I just know it). But I can walk and I can do that every day. It's not a marathon pace or distance, but it's more than I have done in the past. Each day, though, I feel like doing more and more.
And last, I'm involved in Thrive. I guess it's been a month, now, since I posted about my weight being my shield. I got a text from my beautiful cousin Jessica Ritchey Keeton about what I posted. She wanted to help me. She told me about this Thrive stuff and wanted to talk to me about it more later. She called and I chatted with her and someone else about it. And when it was over, I was like, "What the hell? It's only $150" (of which I had at the time) and so I signed up. Jessica kept telling me that it might be a few weeks before I noticed a change. Let me tell you all. I was incredibly skeptical. Not skeptical. I was "Well, that's $150 bucks I can't get back." I never thought in a million years that this had any chance of working. There was no way. At least in my mind.
However, with Jessica's encouragement, I gave it a shot and felt the effects the first day. And it was my energy level. Usually around 2, I had to have a Dr. Pepper to keep me awake. I had to. I would hurt someone because I crashed so hard from lunch. Now, I don't drink soft drinks. I think I've had 1 in a month and that was after a hella stressing day that I just wanted something super sugary. I'm more focused, I'm less hungry, and I genuinely and generally feel better. I used to wake up with aches and pains, but I don't anymore. I feel better than I've ever felt! I wish I could really put it into words. And I can't say it's a placebo and I'm just falling in with the crowd. I truly had no faith that this would work. I just thought the $150 would be something I just lost. That's it. Over. If I couldn't set it on fire in front of me I shouldn't have spent it. But I gave it a sincere shot and the first day was amazing. I feel so much better, in general.
And no, this is not me trying to sell you thrive. This is me sharing my journey with everyone. I will check back in every now and then and let you know about my progress. If you've stuck around to read this up until this point, kudos, cause I know I rambled on a bit. But thank you for your love and support and I hope I can live up to the hype!
