Just listen...living with depression

As a person who suffers from depression (and I'm going through a pretty bad little run of it at the moment), I can tell you that there are things you can do to not make the situation worse.  You can't really do anything to make it better, understand that, first of all.  You can't make me better.  Not with words of encouragement.  Not with a pep talk.  You are powerless to make me feel better.  It all comes from a wonderful, kind place where you as the individual on the outside see me unhappy/upset and you want to do what you can to make it better.  Sometimes, it's ok to just let me feel that way without saying anything.  If I open up to you, you don't have to give me advice or anything like that.  If I open up to you, I just need you to listen. 

The first thing I don't need you to do is tell me that everything will be ok.  Logically, I know that "this, too, shall pass".  I get it.  I understand that.  Life is fluid and our situations are ever evolving and changing.  But emotionally, it's not something I can handle.  Because while it might be said in a soothing context, it's basically telling me that I'm stressed out over nothing.  I'm worried over nothing.  I'm upset over nothing.  That makes me feel worse, because now my feelings are abnormal.  No one wants to feel abnormal.  In fact, all I want when I feel this way is to feel normal. 

Don't instruct me that I should move around and be with people.  I said already that you can't make me feel better.  Being around loads of people, that I perceive are all judging me, won't make it better.  It doesn't make me feel better.  It makes me feel worse, in fact.  Because then I see everyone around me having a great time, laughing, smiling, enjoying being with others.  And yet, here I stand, in the corner, watching all of this and again feeling abnormal.  It's a horrible feeling to be in a room full of people and still feel utterly alone. 

At this point, the only thing that sounds appealing is curling up in my bed, shutting my door, and blocking out the world.  It's not logical.  Again, I get that.  I understand that blocking the world out can only deepen this and eventually make it worse.  I want to be alone.  I don't want to feel alone.  I just...I want you to let me be by myself and not judge me for it.  I'm not even sure that last part made sense. 

And that's the crux of it all.  I feel how I feel.  You can't change it.  You can tell me that I can change it, but do you understand that I feel lost?  That I don't know if it can ever be changed?  Do you realize that every second of every day I feel hopeless because how could it possibly get better?  That's not for you to change.  That's something that has to come from inside. 

I feel like there is such a misconception about depression.  It's not just a feeling of sadness.  It's a feeling of loss, anxiety, sadness, hopelessness.  There is no bright light.  There is no way around this.  That's not reality, but it's how you feel.  I can't change it.  I would if I could.

With all that being said, I would like to say that I'm ok.  I'm not suicidal.  I feel that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. 

But if you see me around, don't tell me to smile.  I don't feel like smiling.  Don't tell me to treasure what God has given me.  I do, every day.  I know how lucky I am to live where I do, have what I have, and have all the people in my life who love me.  Don't tell me that things will get better.  You don't actually know that.  Things can always get worse.  I don't know if that's the Tombrello in me or what, but I know that as bad as things are, they can go to Hell faster than you can say bubble.  And I know that they can get better.  I do.  I'm not stupid.  Logically, I know all of this stuff.  It's the emotional part of me that's having a hard time grasping all of this.  And finally, don't tell me that everything will be ok.  Eventually, that's probably true.  But understand that every time this is said to me, it makes me feel worse.  It makes me feel like I'm fighting a losing battle because while you can see that it will be ok, I don't.  Or, at the moment, I can't. 

And I know that this, too, shall pass.  I know that through God, I can get through anything.    I feel his presence in my life all the time.  Sometimes, when I least expect it, I feel this overwhelming sense of calm and I know that it's because of his grace.  It's nothing I've done or am doing.  It's him.  I have faith in that.  I believe that.  And it's my belief and faith that keep me pushing on.  He is my way.

So, through all of this, I want to hammer something home.  Don't ask me how I'm doing.  It's done with good intentions.  I know that.  I know that the people in my life are wonderful and beautiful people.  I have no doubt.  But if I want to talk to you about it, I will.  If I open up to you, then it means I'm comfortable with you.  If I tell you how I feel, I don't need you to tell me how I shouldn't feel that way. 

Just...listen. 

It's a long hard road

I never thought this would be easy, not by any stretch of the imagination.  In fact, I was/am pretty certain that this will be the hardest thing I ever attempt to do.  Losing weight isn't really what I'm after, although, it would be a huge perk to be able to shop in normal people stores and not have to special order my bras.  What I'm after is a start into health. 

With all that in mind, sometimes it is so hard to keep that thought in mind.  Especially when I'm feeling overall crappy and about as discouraged as I can feel.  No, not about this stuff, it's about other stuff.  However, I will say that making this life change is really hard.  It's no joke.  It's no wonder that people attempt this and fail all the time.  I suppose the important part is that I'm truly trying. 

I've lost a little over fifteen pounds.  I had hit twenty, but then the food festival came this last week, Alabama lost, and just craptacular crap happened and, as I've said before, I eat to feel happy.  I was super happy Friday night, happy again Saturday night (then not so happy later), and then regretting everything on Sunday.  However, I'm still in the plus column of pounds lost. 

I think somewhere along the way I lost my motivation.  I don't feel like doing anything.  I don't feel like going anywhere.  I just want to stay home, curled up in my bed, and have the world just leave me alone.  But that's not an option.  Every day is a new chance to succeed.  And I will succeed.  As Gabi says "I got this!"

Here's to a new week and another day.  I'm so lucky in that I have so many people behind me, supporting me.  I'm so lucky in that my family is doing this and succeeding, too.  It's nice not to feel alone in it.  Sometimes, I just feels like I'm totally alone and I hate that.  And then, tonight, I saw my dad eat a salad for dinner when I know he would have rather had anything else.  It made me proud. 

So, this is just me, whining because it's haaard.  I know it's hard, but sometimes, I just want it to be easy.  Like, TADA, you now look like Mila Kunis.  And I would be like, "THANK YOU GOD!".  But we can't all be Mila Kunis.  I just want to stop looking as if I have ingested Mila Kunis.

So, yeah, my whine is over.  thanks for listening!

I could easily get offended...

The video in question:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXFgNhyP4-A

I know a lot of you saw the above video made by Nicole Arbour, as did I, and I have to admit that while I was watching it, I had probably the same reaction a lot of people did.  "I could easily get offended".  And I was a few times.  Mostly about how "Fat Shaming" isn't real.  Oh girl, I can't tell you how wrong you are.  I'm ashamed of my body all the time (and I'm working to fix it, but that's not the point.)  Let's talk about shame. 

Shame
noun
1.the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another:
2. susceptibility to this feeling: to be without shame.
3. disgrace; ignominy:
4. a factor circumstance bringing disgrace or regret:

verb
shamed,
5. to cause to feel shame; make ashamed:
6. to drive, force, etc., through shame:
7. to cover with ignominy or reproach; disgrace.
 

The part of this that I find the most important is the second word in the first definition:  painful.  My size is a painful reminder of the bad choices I've made.  I have no one to blame for this by myself.  In my childhood, yeah, maybe eating Hamburger Helper (which I loathe entirely now) wasn't the most healthy of things that my parents could have fed us.  But they had four kids, a tight budget, and we never went hungry, although they did a few times.  In college, it was a free for all.  I was able to eat three meals a day and never made good choices.  Of course, anyone that ate in the Montevallo 'caf' can verify that the food was not always...edible.  At least, it seemed that way.  But at that time, I didn't balloon out as big as I could have.  Montevallo was a walking campus and you simply had to walk everywhere.  Especially once I moved into Brooke and had to walk "The Hill Of Death" beside Tutwiller.  Anyone who lived in Brooke, knows what hill I'm talking about.  So, I was able to maintain.  It wasn't until I was done with college and basically became a sedentary worker in an office.  And there is always food here.  Always.  Sandwiches, cakes, left overs from people's parties.  It's a nightmare if you're trying to control what you eat. 

But now, I look in the mirror, and it's painful.  It's painful to see how I allowed this to take such control of my life.  And she's right in one respect:  I make/made bad choices.  I didn't exercise.  I didn't eat right.  In fact, while I was eating, I was always thinking of the next thing I was going to eat.  I didn't eat my sadness.  I ate when I was happy.  All of my wonderful childhood memories are centered around food (just not Hamburger Helper).  Baptisms?  FOOD!  Weddings?  FOOD!  Fourth of July?  FOOD!  Birthdays?  FOOD!  Summers with Siti?  Filled with ice cream sandwiches, ham and cheese sandwiches, cereal, spam, eggs, and grits, gummy bears, tootsie rolls!  Food everywhere.  High school memories?  FOOD!  O'Charley's with John, Jennifer, Gina, Kristan and Allen!  Prom?  Logans with a group of people.  I remember the food and it makes me happy. 

It took thirty plus years for me to realize that I ate to feel happy, to get that euphoria back.  I could eat and instantly feel all that stuff again.  And not just eat, but eat to a place of pass full.  It seems so counter productive, doesn't it?  I know that.  I see it. 

 

But now, I'm at a place where being my size is painful:  physically, emotionally, and psychologically.  Physically, my back hurts constantly, my knees crack as I walk, and my ankles are always sore.  Emotionally, I was eating to fill a hole in my life.  It's not one that was put there by anyone or anything.  It was something I was striving to fill with food.  As I said, my happiness was surrounded in food.  I'm working to change that.  And psychologically, I'm my harshest critic.  I know you look at me and think that I simply don't care what my body looks like, but that would make the most wrong person on the planet.  I care more than I think you do if you're healthy.  I worry about it.  I worry about when I go to a concert and sit in my seat and basically have to force myself into the seat and my fat arms are on someone else.  I worry about it when I'm at the pool in my bathing suit.  I worry about it when I'm in my pajamas.  I worry about it if I wear the color yellow because I suspect people think I resemble a school bus.  I'm fixated on my size in a way that others can't understand. 

So, to address Nicole personally, not that she will ever see it:

When you put it out there so hard and so furious like it was in your video "Dear Fat People", well, that just makes me want to rebel against you.  It doesn't make me want to change.  It makes me want to sit next to you on an airplane, my fat hanging over into your seat and eat a Big Mac while giving you the finger.  It makes me want to offend you.  Because you've already proven that my size does offend you.  You claim it's for the betterment of me that you said all of those things.  I actually think that it's a fear of me that caused you to say it.  People perpetrate hate speech and actions out of fear and ignorance all the time.  Racism and sexism being two shining examples of ignorance and fear.  You fear what you don't understand.  All you see is people you believe to be making bad choices.  And a lot are making bad choices.  But there are some people out there that aren't.  They're trying.  Every day is a struggle. 

 

You tried to exclude those that have medical conditions. 

 

How kind of you. 

 

So, you're not offended by a person with a thyroid problem sitting next to you on a plane and their fat is spilling over to your lap?  That doesn't offend you?  I'm sure you didn't even ask the guy that you claimed you were pushing his fat back onto him, and shaming him for it at the same time, as to whether or not he had a medical condition.  You assumed, because the people he was traveling with were all large too, that they were just a family of poor decision makers. 

 

Would it have really made a difference to you at that point? 

 

Would you care if they had a family history of thyroid problems?  Or any other disease that makes you gain weight? 

 

What if that guy was battling with depression and anxiety and was on the verge of suicide?  Would you care that your offensive pushing of his fat might have made him go home and commit bodily harm to himself? 

 

No.  Because as you said, you're selfish. 

 

But not in the way you proclaimed.  You're selfish in that you only thought of how those actions affected you.  If you had done to me what you did to that guy on the plane, I would have cried.  I would have cried so hard that everyone in the plane would be asking what's wrong and I would have to explain how you did that to me, only increasing my embarrassment at the situation and then the public opinion of you would have shifted.  You would then be reviled for what you did because you made someone feel so out of place, so hated, that the shame would then be turned to you.  It's not a good feeling when you're shamed. 

 

I've been following this story since it broke, really.  You disallowed comments on your video because "you didn't care what others had to say".  But, I think maybe you did and do.  Everyone is subject to what others think.  You claim you don't care, then why disallow it?  Because you caught flack for being a hate monger?  I know there are people that agree with you.  In some ways, I agreed with some things you said.  I need to make better choices.  But I feel like you made a pretty bad one and then you tried to hide it with disallowing comments, then your channel was pulled and you claimed it was done in jest.  So, that's supposed to make it not hurt?  That's supposed to make what you say ok?  You were doing comedy?  I didn't find it funny.  I know a lot of people that didn't find it funny.  I see you as a woman who only knows her lot in life.  You haven't experienced the other side of things, and for that, I'm sad for you.  If you don't know what you did was in bad taste, then maybe you don't even know what shame feels like.  In that case, you can't say fat shaming isn't a real thing.  You don't know shame.  Again, your ignorance shines through. 

 

So, here's the gist, I suppose.  I could easily get offended.  I was for like half a second.  I sat staring at my computer screen and was like "Did I really just hear what I thought I heard?"  But then, I watched it again.  I feel like you really might have been trying to help, but what you said doesn't.  It's not the content, it's the delivery.  All you did was criticize.  You tried to offer helpful solutions.  Eat less exercise more.  Duh.  We know that.  But like you said, we make bad decisions some times.  I feel like you made a bad one by making and posting that video.  Instead of keeping your hate to yourself, you shared it with the free world and you felt the backlash.  And when you started getting criticized you took away the comments section, and then Youtube took away your video.  You claimed it was censorship.  I think was a violation of Youtube's terms and conditions, myself. 

 

And so we have to go back to the intent.  I think on some level, you were trying to help.  I think on another level, you were trying to be funny.  And I think on the most basic level, you were talking about things in which you fear or have no knowledge about.  I feel bad for you.  I know what it's like to feel like the world is against you.  I feel it every day.  But the truth is, those people who really didn't like what you had to say, probably, also, support you in that you had the right to say it.  I don't like what you said.  I don't.  And I could jump on a bandwagon and support people wanting your head.  But what purpose does that serve?  Who does that help?  I wish I had the ability to make you walk in my shoes.  I wish I had the ability to walk in yours.  Hell, I wish we had the same shoe size cause I'm sure you've got some awesome ones! But the truth is you're really speaking about something to which you have no real knowledge.  If you've never struggled with being overweight, or obsese, then you don't know how much of a trial it is.  You don't know what it's like to feel that you're living in a world that would never accept you.  You don't know what it's like to feel alone because of how you look.  You're a beautiful, blond woman and you felt you could make some snap decisions and comments and people would cheer for you because you were so brave to have said those things.  Instead, what you got was a serious backlash of people of all sizes telling you that no matter the intent, the delivery was the problem.

 

In closing, I hope they reinstate your video.  The reason is I think it starts a discussion.  We can't influence change on a subject unless there is talk about it.  So, you've probably actually done a great service to the larger community.  Because you publically shamed all of us, and then proclaimed that "Fat Shaming isn't a thing", you've opened the door to discussion about what is acceptable and isn't when it comes to this issue.  So, thanks for that.  But really, I wish you nothing but the best.  I want good things for you.  I want you to find happiness and understanding and love and compassion in your life.  I want you to find all of the things that I want for my life.

 

As for Whitney Thore's video response, man I aspire to be as brave as she is.  Her journey is wonderful to watch and I find myself relating to her so much.  You want more, you want better, it's just a matter of getting there.  Thank you.